1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,963 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,258 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,762 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,806 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,101 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,438 Lucky there's a man who Positively can do 7 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,106 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,775 Laugh and cry! 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,655 He's a family guy! 10 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,745 This Tuesday on Lifetime, 11 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,998 Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. 12 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,793 You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, 13 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,503 but all you did was rape me. 14 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,672 I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. 15 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:50,634 Well, you're right, about the rape part, but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. 16 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,513 Valerie Bertinelli in... 17 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:02,479 Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? 18 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,691 - Really? Where did you read that? - In People magazine. 19 00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:09,194 Jillian, can you run and get me a beer from the kitchen? 20 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,946 Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. 21 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,323 Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? 22 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,118 Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. 23 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,871 I want to go. 24 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:21,248 Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. 25 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:24,293 What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go. 26 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,838 Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. 27 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,591 It's not really my cup of tea. 28 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,385 Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. 29 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:38,307 So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. 30 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:43,187 Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? 31 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,401 Oh, God, yes! 32 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,988 I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. 33 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,032 Ready. 34 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:03,749 Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside 35 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,876 and make the immigrant kids jealous. 36 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,672 Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure 37 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,967 because my family has disposable income. Here you go. 38 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,221 - What is this? - It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you. 39 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,181 - Hey, Meg. - Hi, Carl. 40 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:20,724 Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? 41 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,351 Are you, like, a bitch or something? 42 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,645 - No, I have friends. - Oh. 43 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,730 Well, you should bring some of them in here. 44 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,774 - Any of them have braces? - Yeah. 45 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:32,361 I love braces. My mom has them. 46 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:37,241 Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. 47 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,118 Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on. 48 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,746 Oh, Vince Vaughn's on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. 49 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,082 Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie. 50 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,334 "Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. 51 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,378 "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end." 52 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:52,256 I don't even want to look at his face. 53 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,716 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 54 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,303 Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. 55 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:02,099 Carl, I'm so sorry. 56 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,185 Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. 57 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:09,648 - Hey, you want a job? - What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. 58 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,066 Great. You start tomorrow. 59 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,322 - Hey, Chris. - Hey, Meg. 60 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,283 I don't have any money, 61 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,786 so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo. 62 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,371 Chris, how come you don't have any money? 63 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:25,622 I thought you had a paper route. 64 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,084 Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery. 65 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:33,088 - Oh. How's that working out? - Not good, Meg, not good. 66 00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:36,008 Well, maybe I could talk to Carl and get you a job here. 67 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:40,012 - You could do that? - Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me. 68 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:44,349 You and I will be the best brother-sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. 69 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,644 - I'm more off-putting. - No, I'm more off-putting. 70 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:50,147 I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. 71 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:54,318 - Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. - Kids, kids. You're both... 72 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,777 Just awful. 73 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,157 Oh, hi, Brian. 74 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,201 I thought you were spending the day with Jillian. 75 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,620 I was, but Peter took her off my hands. 76 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,289 Perfect timing. I've been feeling a little smothered lately. 77 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,625 Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. 78 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,628 - And I finally have a title. - Oh, what is it? 79 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,464 "Faster Than the Speed of Love." 80 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:21,094 That is the worst title I've ever heard. 81 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:24,181 No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, 82 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,768 who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. 83 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,146 That's the movie Iron Eagle. 84 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:34,733 What? Is that... Is that a recent film? 85 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,319 They made three sequels! 86 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,864 Yeah, well, in mine, the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots 87 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,158 to help him rescue his father. 88 00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,994 That's one of the sequels! 89 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,791 Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, 90 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,626 but they accept him anyway. 91 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,380 I'm going to pee in my pants! 92 00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,177 Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. 93 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:07,516 That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. 94 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,186 Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, 95 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,480 it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 96 00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:16,024 It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 97 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,901 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do. 98 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:22,990 Yeah! And he was so on that day, so it kind of works on two levels. 99 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,159 Well, I don't know what you mean by that, but how about that Cameron, huh? 100 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,495 - Oh, definitely. - Am I right? 101 00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,330 It was his day off, too. 102 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,457 That is just what I was going to... His day off... 103 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,126 That is just what I was going to say. 104 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,753 You know, you are a catch, young lady. You know that? 105 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,465 I don't know when the hell Brian is going to open his eyes and get serious with you. 106 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,051 I really wish he would. 107 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:46,263 It'd be so great if we were at least living together. 108 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,557 Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. 109 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,767 Either he commits to you, or you're gone. 110 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,187 What the hell did you do? 111 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,190 Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! 112 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:59,026 Well, I think you should, Brian. She's beautiful, she's funny, 113 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,862 and she is smart as the day is wide. 114 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,741 Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian. 115 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:09,036 Well, it sounds like she does. And if you're never going to get serious, 116 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,829 then you're not being fair to her. 117 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,331 I mean, what are you, Brian? 118 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:15,584 One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? 119 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,586 Because Jillian deserves better. 120 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,963 She has feelings, you know, 121 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,175 and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship 122 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:27,262 with some expectation that it could grow into something much more significant, 123 00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:29,973 and if you're just stringing her along, 124 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,227 well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. 125 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,187 You don't really think I'm like that, do you? 126 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,065 - Prove me wrong. - All right, I will, Lois. 127 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,902 I will ask her to move in with me, and you'll see, I've got what it takes. 128 00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:51,453 Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, this move is really working out great. 129 00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:55,499 - It just feels right, you know. - Cool. Rock on, Brian. 130 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,750 Okay, done. 131 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,463 Stewie. Hey. What's up? 132 00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,757 Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. 133 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,385 Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, 134 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,637 and then it's off to the haberdasher. 135 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,557 These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? 136 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,475 - Not really. - Did you use the jokes? 137 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,477 Yeah, they're not landing. 138 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:20,607 - Got your mail. So, how's it going? - I tell you, Stewie, it's going great. 139 00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:23,402 And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent. 140 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,612 I'll be lucky if I can make it to the end of the month. 141 00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:27,698 Sounds like you need a roommate. 142 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,909 - Where did you get that kind of money? - I picked up Chris's paper route. 143 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:38,250 Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. 144 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,335 That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. 145 00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:44,256 - Piss off, you perverted old freak! - Oh, we got a fighter. 146 00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:50,137 Wow, you were almost in a dirt bike race? 147 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,639 Yeah, yeah, I filled out most of the paperwork, too. 148 00:07:52,723 --> 00:07:56,351 - You are the coolest guy I have ever met. - Yeah? 149 00:07:56,435 --> 00:08:00,439 Hey, guys. Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me. 150 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:03,108 You know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? 151 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:06,278 - I need Chris up here with me. - But the boxes are really heavy. 152 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,322 Oh, that's 'cause there's a bunch of stuff in them. 153 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240 Chris? 154 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,451 Yeah. 155 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,120 Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions? 156 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,205 No. 157 00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:19,791 Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out. It's pretty hot. 158 00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:22,252 47 minutes, 16 seconds in. 159 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,837 - No way. - Yeah, yeah. 160 00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,088 You know what's another great movie? 161 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,549 Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly. 162 00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,843 I mean, that's one of those movies that... 163 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:33,680 I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie. 164 00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,642 She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, 165 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:41,313 the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she... 166 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,941 Wore clothes the entire film. 167 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,692 Was she hot in it? 168 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:50,239 Yeah, in the way that, like, classy women with expensive clothing 169 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:53,116 who never take them off are hot, you know? 170 00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:55,410 - No. - All right. 171 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,246 So, like, you see a hot girl, 172 00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,957 and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty 173 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,416 "'cause you've definitely worked at it 174 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,795 "with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." 175 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,131 But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... 176 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:11,593 "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" 177 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,095 Wow, you're smart. 178 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,515 What? 179 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:23,146 Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. 180 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,358 He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. 181 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:30,362 You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. 182 00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:35,284 Brian, there's no more graham crackers. 183 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,245 - They're in the cabinet. - I don't see them. 184 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:41,582 They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? 185 00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,793 - Can't you just come in here? - No, I'm busy! 186 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:51,216 Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! 187 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,927 Oh, no! Oh, no! 188 00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:56,930 Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! 189 00:09:57,014 --> 00:10:00,893 Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! 190 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:03,437 - Just use a dish towel! - There aren't any, Brian! 191 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,816 You need to come in here! Oh! We are gonna have ants! 192 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,073 A hundred points. 193 00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:17,242 Meg, clean up aisle two. 194 00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,912 What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. 195 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:23,582 - Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. - Shut up, Chris! 196 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,083 You can't tell me what to do. 197 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,628 Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. 198 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,047 - Supervisor? - Yeah, I promoted him this morning. 199 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,216 - Promoted me this morning. - What? 200 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,260 Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. 201 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,137 Meg, things change. 202 00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:39,389 Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? 203 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,557 No. 204 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,851 Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, 205 00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:45,062 and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. 206 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,190 - Carl, this isn't fair! - All right, then, you're fired. 207 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,527 What? But... No, you can't... 208 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:57,241 Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. 209 00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:01,286 Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? 210 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,913 Mary Stuart Masterson. 211 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,666 Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, 212 00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,918 "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. 213 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,421 Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. 214 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,382 - Oh, I remember her. - Yeah. 215 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:18,887 You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting. 216 00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:22,516 One of those underrated actresses that was always talented and beautiful, 217 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,685 and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. 218 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,020 - Who, Elisabeth Shue? - Yeah. 219 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:31,191 Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. 220 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,404 And still so hot. Like... 221 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:38,490 - I don't see art films. - Like, like, crazy hot. 222 00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:41,910 Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in. 223 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,787 - Oh. - It's a really exceptional sequence. 224 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:46,790 I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol. 225 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,918 He's a... He's a failed writer who just decides that, 226 00:11:50,002 --> 00:11:52,045 "Oh, I'm going to have a big last hurrah in Las Vegas." 227 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:56,300 And then he meets a whore and pays her a bunch of money to stay with him, 228 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,428 and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. 229 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:03,056 And, you know, she's game for it, but she catches feelings midway through 230 00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,558 and the whole thing changes. 231 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,685 Wow, have you seen Cocktail? 232 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,188 - Yeah, yeah. - She was in that. 233 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,148 - She was in that. - Yeah. 234 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,035 - You like that? - Yeah, it's rad. 235 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,871 Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. 236 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,333 - Brian, are you guys up? - Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 237 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,211 - Go back to bed. - But I'm not tired. 238 00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:36,757 - And I'm lonely. - Oh, come, get in bed with us. 239 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,385 - Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." - No, no, Stewie, go away! 240 00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:42,179 Brian, don't be mean to him. 241 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,390 Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. 242 00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,809 - What did he say? - Nothing. 243 00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:51,563 That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. 244 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:52,981 Is that true? 245 00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:57,027 - All right, yes, fine, it's true. - Why didn't you say anything? 246 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,613 Because you wanted me to move in so badly, 247 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,490 and God knows I didn't want to... 248 00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:04,826 Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? 249 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,995 Well, honestly, no. 250 00:13:07,079 --> 00:13:10,791 Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! 251 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:11,917 - Really? - Really? 252 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,378 Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! 253 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,840 - We're through! - Jillian, wait! 254 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,092 - Damn it. - I'm sorry, Brian. 255 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,635 You'll feel better in the morning. 256 00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:26,098 Hey, you know what you should do? 257 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,558 You should have sex with somebody else 258 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,726 just to get back at her for walking out on you. 259 00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:33,355 Just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't even think about it. 260 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:36,400 The next person you see. The very next person you see. 261 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:49,621 - She's gone, Jillian's gone. - Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, 262 00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:52,541 but I think it's important to see things in perspective. 263 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:56,128 Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend? 264 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:59,464 And then he got another one, and everything was all right? 265 00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:02,718 And then he got Parkinson's. Yikes. 266 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:06,889 You know, Stewie, you're right. This is not a loss, it's an opportunity. 267 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,808 I'm free now. I've got my own place, no attachments. 268 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:14,062 There you are. That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation. 269 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,940 "We hold these truths to be self-evident, 270 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,319 - "that all men are created equal." - Except the Jews. 271 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:23,947 Franklin, for the fifth time, I'm sorry you overpaid for your house, 272 00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:26,408 - but it's not going in. - You'll be sorry. 273 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,951 Noted. Moving on. 274 00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:36,001 - So, Meg, any luck finding another job? - No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. 275 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,671 The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it. 276 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:45,969 What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. 277 00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:50,724 What kind of underwear? I don't know. 278 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:54,311 Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? 279 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,023 Oh, what would I do to you? Well... 280 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:03,820 I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. 281 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,447 All right, I am totally flaccid, 282 00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,991 but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciate your time. 283 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,701 Mom, check it out! 284 00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:14,206 I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. 285 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,208 Oh, shut up, you bastard! 286 00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:21,004 Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. She's really upset that she got fired. 287 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:24,091 Gee, I didn't realize working at the store meant that much to her. 288 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:27,803 You know, it would mean the world to her if she could get her job back. 289 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,973 And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her. 290 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:34,226 Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg. 291 00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:38,522 She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange. 292 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:42,025 Groundball to shortstop. The throw is to second, 293 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:46,363 and again, the ball sails past LaGrange into right field. 294 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:51,076 The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands, 295 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:56,290 as clearly the fans' sympathy for this scrappy, little no-armed man has run out. 296 00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,625 Now, granted, the throw was a little wide, 297 00:15:58,709 --> 00:16:01,962 but you've got to believe that a two-armed player would've made the catch. 298 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:05,340 In fact, a one-armed player would have at least had a shot at it, 299 00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:08,051 which calls to mind the question once again, 300 00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:11,638 why, with all the two-armed youngsters waiting in the minor leagues, 301 00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:14,224 does this team stick with an armless second baseman? 302 00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:19,021 - And he hasn't had a hit in ever. - In ever, Jerry. In ever. 303 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,946 What the hell? What are you people doing in my apartment? 304 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,741 Hey! You made it. 305 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:34,036 - What is all this? What's going on? - You, that's what's going on. 306 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,871 Come on, time for you to meet some women 307 00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:38,498 who are gonna make you forget about Jillian. 308 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:40,167 Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here. 309 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,628 Yeah, everybody's having a good time. 310 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:45,047 Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna. 311 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,382 Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card. 312 00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,718 Okay, here's one for you. 313 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:54,681 - What food can't make up its mind? - This is gonna be good. 314 00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:58,060 A waffle. 315 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:07,778 This one. Didn't I warn you, right? Right? 316 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,701 How are you still single? 317 00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,957 Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out. 318 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,752 I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids jar. I thought that would be funny. 319 00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:28,048 That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back. 320 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,343 No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. I don't want her back in here. 321 00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:36,014 Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night. 322 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:41,103 - No way! We have to talk about it! - Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy. 323 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,814 We have to talk about every scene, man. 324 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:47,818 Hey, hey, hey! Remember when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode? 325 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:51,363 Wasn't that awesome? Please agree with me that, that was awesome. 326 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:54,366 Well, if you hire Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion. 327 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,619 She's hired, she's hired! What do you think of it? 328 00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:58,996 It was awesome! 329 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,665 - Wasn't it awesome? - It was totally awesome! 330 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,252 It was the most awesome thing ever! Hug me! 331 00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,883 - Hey, how you doing, Brian? - Lousy. 332 00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:15,512 I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. 333 00:18:15,596 --> 00:18:19,683 - Brian and Jinx are friends. - Get that out of here. 334 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:23,270 Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV? 335 00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:38,619 Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, and leave me alone. 336 00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,495 It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. 337 00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:44,416 My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. 338 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:46,418 You let the fat man talk you into moving out. 339 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,755 You let Jillian walk out the door. Stop getting pushed around. 340 00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:52,674 Be a man. If you want her, go get her. 341 00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:55,093 You know something? You are absolutely right. 342 00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:58,847 It is time for me to take charge of my own life. 343 00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:02,476 Stand aside, I got to get my girl back. 344 00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,187 Go, get her, Brian. 345 00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:21,620 - Hi. - Hi, Brian. 346 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:26,500 - What are you doing here? - Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. 347 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,126 I don't want to lose you. 348 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:32,589 You know, you really hurt me, Brian. And I can't let you do that again. 349 00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:34,466 Look, I won't. I promise. 350 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,221 I don't know how to tell you this, but you're too late. I met someone else. 351 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:44,685 Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network? If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby. 352 00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,436 In a minute, Adam. 353 00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:50,440 Well, I guess this is good-bye. 354 00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:53,861 - Please don't send me away. - I have to. 355 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:55,654 You broke my heart. 356 00:20:16,842 --> 00:20:19,386 Well, Meg, you got your job back. 357 00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:22,931 Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, 358 00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:26,226 but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. 359 00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,395 The important thing is that you stood up for me, 360 00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:29,938 and I won't forget it. 361 00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:33,650 Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, but it is good to have you back. 362 00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,027 Kind of sucks though. 363 00:20:35,110 --> 00:20:38,322 I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. 364 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,282 You know what the mistake was, moving in together. 365 00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:42,993 Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. 366 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,536 Hey, and look on the bright side. 367 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,539 Maybe you got another chapter for your book. 368 00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:52,544 Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. 369 00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,755 Welcome home, douche bag!